Ginger,
Do you think he was longing so hard for "what might have been" that he didn't notice "what might be"? I notice this Garden-of-Eden nostalgia all the time. All those sepia books of savages (including American Indians) promoting the idea that humans once lived in peace and harmony with each other and Nature, without clothing or hunger or work or competition and with only ritual wars. In another time, Ward and June were my parents and poverty was painless and there was no crime or hatred. HA!
Reagen got elected by people whose nostalgia for a fantasy of small-town, old-fashioned America. A fantasy that was never true except in Thorton Wilders play and Norman Rockwell's paintings. But most Americans believe it was true - either they say they lived there or they knew folks who did. And they believe they can take it back and they want to live like that now. HA.
Here is what I think: It is longing for the womb. It is seeking spiritual fulfillment. It is nostalgia for what we have BEFORE we came to earth and what I hope I find after.
Ginger,
It was courageous of you to develop the website memorial for Wayne.
It is so hard at such times as now to say, "What if...What if I had, What if he had, What if a doctor had, What if Mother had..."
I lived for 18 years with an intelligent and talented husband, a professor, who suffered from depression, among other problems. He was contemplating suicide, and spoke of it from time to time, for several of those years. Like Wayne, he refused to get treatment for depression even though he also was aware that he was depressed and that this was a treatable medical condition. Like Wayne, apparently, he had unusual relationship problems with his mother.
While I was aware that I was the well one and refused to let him ruin me and refused to reinforce or "enable" his sick behavior, it certainly did affect my life, my choices, my mental processes. When I finally accepted the probability that he was never going to be much better, that we had no hope of a normal marriage, that I was getting bitter and my capacity for love and even a little happiness was drying up, I extracted myself painfully. It was only after I was married to my present husband that I could see more clearly how much my behavior had been shaped by dancing around his problems.
I think in the end that we have to try to remember that every adult has some choices about being sick or well, about taking responsibility for and being engaged with his problems, or denying them, or blaming others, about career choices and one's general life path. We cannot solve anyone else's problems, as much as we try. I think you have said the same thing.
I looked at your web site for Wayne and was very moved. He was a very troubled young man and I can't help but believe that the proper medication and attention would probably have relieved his suffering, at least to the point of being able to see reasons for living. But that is not what happened and we must learn, as you are doing, to accept the reality of his death and to take something positive away from that experience. I have never believed death to be a negative thing because I see it as part of the natural process of life. Our bodies are mortal and they do begin to age from the moment we are born. I guess being a life-long gardner I've learned to accept the "seasons" of life and realize that even the most beautiful flowers eventually fade.
Anyway, it sounds like you and your sister are dealing with this in positive ways; I only hope that your remaining brother and other sister can eventually find peace around it. Thank you for sharing the web site with us; it was very moving.
When a loved one kills themselves, it leaves behind that sense of guilt that is truly a heavy burden for their loved ones. They do not understand this, so wrapped up in their own pain, are they. But we do what we feel is the best for our children, right or wrong. For that we cannot be held culpable. He was old enough, that he could set out on his own path, but for what ever reason, truly all his own, he chose not to. I am so sorry that this has happened. It will taken a long time for you to come to a resolution. But start this day. Remember that you loved him, and he knew this.