April 17 '98

Dear Mom & Dad,

After three years of crushing back and digestive pain, with no apparent reason and no end in sight, I have come to the truth - acceptence of my life. Responsibility for my situation is mostly mine. I never wanted to go to college, but you both heavily influenced me to go, to make good money - that scared me away from my true passion - Art, and into the computer field. I was worried more about money than developing my natural artistic abilities. But working hard just for money, and the relative independence that comes with it, made me so depressed and sick. Then experiencing California made me never want to return to Palatine. The Natural beauty of the West coast inspired me more than any thing around the midwest. The people and culture were also expanding. I thought I could re-adjust to this dull and harsh environment but the depression and pain only deepened. I feel like my energy and passion is drained away - I can barely do anything for more than 15 mins. The last 2 weeks I have only been able to eat 1 bowl of cereal and a few glasses of carbohydrate juice - per day and my steady weight loss from 157 in 1993 to 130 pounds now has me scared. This is what depression does to me. I have lost the will to live.

I have decided to shoot myself as the fastest and most painless way. I always loved Deer Grove and Crabtree Nature Preserve and will take one last hike through the fresh spring forest. I would love to be buried there but cremation will do. Let this be a time of joy that I will be free of my pain and transformed back into spirit to be one with the Source of all creation and to learn the meaning of my life.

Let my computer go to Cynthia - and whatever else of mine she may want. The rest give away. I have put a few boxes aside for dear friends. My last wish would be that my $1,200 MRI scan bill be paid off - I really would not have done that if I didn't think you could cover for me. As for my car, I once offered it to Dad to drive and sell the Nova, but he said no ... if he does not want the Eclipse then maybe you could sell it to Cynthia on the cheap ... $1,000? Monthly payments? It looks like Keith has not touched his computer in months ... maybe Cynthia could put it to good use to further her career - that is why I gave her my computer - she needed it to learn new skills at her computer job to advance to a higher-paying position, to work her way out of debt. It looks like Keith is working strong in the business. Let him have all my inheritence, the least I could do. See you on the other side, Wayne Wolnik