Your presence at my brother's wake was both enlightening and disturbing. For someone who claims to have known Wayne better than anyone else, you must have been in quite a state upon hearing the tragic news. I say this based on the way you kept backtracking and revising your assessment of his brief life and your even shorter friendship with him.
The first thing that confused me was that you said he was a very peaceful and happy person. Peaceful, happy people don't commit suicide. Apparently Wayne revealed different aspects of his complicated personality to different people. To you he was a peaceful and happy person. And I believe that this is what he wanted you to see. To others though, he had a dark side. We as a family saw this all the time. I feared that his violence and rage needed to be dealt with or it would be his undoing. Myself and my siblings truly thought that he would turn that violence on others. One other person saw this side of him. It was one of his girlfriends who he did spend a month with while they were house sitting. Because of the length of time and intimacy of living together, the disturbing side of Wayne was exposed. This poor girl was truly frighten and told him that he needed to deal with these issues or it would over take him. She said that it was extremely unhealthy to have this kind of rage inside and let it go unchecked. So apparently we, the family, weren't the only ones exposed to this.
Another statement that you made was the fact that you questioned weather he was nurtured and what I personally did about it. For about the last ten to maybe fifteen years every time I talked to my mother about Wayne she would burst into tears about all the mistakes she made in raising him. I won't go into details but it was mostly along the lines of lack of attention. What did I do about this at the time? Well he was seven years younger than me and I left the house to live on my own when he was fourteen . I really didn't know anything about the importance of nurturing a younger sibling. It wasn't until I reached my thirties and starting having kids of my own and went through extensive counseling that I had any clue about raising children. I told my mother repeatedly that everyone is responsible for themselves and we all need to overcome the tragedies of our lives. But her being a control freak, couldn't understand this. She wants everything and everyone to be her responsibility and never wants to give anyone else the freedom to live their own lives and make their own choices.
As for your last assessment of Wayne's situation and the pain he was in, do you honestly believe that none of the doctors or all of the medical test he had showed absolutely nothing? His doctors suggested repeatedly that he seek psychiactic counseling . And then you backtracked and said maybe his pain was from past issues he never came to terms with.
I really do believe that there was something physiologically wrong with Wayne from the day he was born. He couldn't overcome his lack of nurturing. Something was just missing. Maybe he had to be on some kind of medication like Prozac or something. He never could make it on his own. I know my mother enabled him by supporting him too much. She made his car payments, paid his rent, and sent him checks regularly. But that's another whole issue that I don't want to get into.
Sorry if I'm coming on a little strong. It really helps me to deal with his death by commenting and trying to analyzing what lead up to it.
I am sad that he was in so much pain, but am very happy that he finally found the peace he was looking for.
Well, as I said in my last letter to him, I hope we all can learn from Wayne and his confused his life. Our lives and everyone in it is a true gift. May we all be a harbor in the storm of life that shelters and gives comfort, love and support.
Thanks for being his friend.
Your comments and perspective are more than welcome.
Sincerely,
Shelly Ellis